International Adoption
The Magic of Fatherhood
Mike and Judy felt called to expand their family through adoption, but at first, they weren’t sure which program would be the right fit for their family. They looked into domestic adoption, domestic foster care adoption, and international programs in China and Russia. Soon, they discussed the child that they imagined being added to their family. “We both realized that we saw ourselves with an Asian child,” says Mike.
China’s Special Waiting Children Program
The couple signed up for AAI’s China program, and in an effort to learn more about adoption and become more comfortable with the concept, Judy began to look at pictures of waiting children on AAI’s web site. “The more she looked, the more interested she was with the idea of special needs adoption,” says Mike.
The First Picture
Following Judy’s suggestion, Mike also started looking through the pictures of available children and soon agreed that the China Special Waiting Children program may be right for them. When AAI’s new Special Waiting Children List came out in August of 2006, they were convinced. The picture of a special four year old girl with a congenital heart defect captured their hearts. “We felt our daughter was destined to be ours,” says Mike.
Adopting an Older Child
“Tingting was truly meant to be Mike and Judy’s daughter,” says their caseworker, Lisa O’Neil. “They took their job as new parents very seriously and worked very hard preparing themselves for their new role.”
Mike and Judy began attending waiting family meetings to educate themselves as best they could before their daughter’s arrival, and they soon discovered that they were one of the few couples that had decided to adopt an older child. “We’d go to waiting family meetings and playgroups to meet other adoptive parents, and usually, they didn’t quite know what to say to us,” says Mike. “Rather than potty training and formula, we were more interested in talking about attachment strategies and the best area playgrounds and kindergartens. We were fortunate to have a couple of Waiting Child Yahoo groups, and we got in touch with other Waiting Children adoptive families.”
Traveling to China
Because Mike and Judy were adopting though the Special Waiting Children program instead of through the regular China program, they would be traveling alone to China instead of in a group. When they departed for China in February of 2007 to bring their daughter home, they wondered if this would present difficulties. “We thought that this might be a problem,” says Mike, “but it turned out to be a blessing. We could stay where we wanted, see what we wanted, and do what we needed to do for our daughter.”
Trip Highlights
During their trip, the family spent eight days in Guangzhou, and five in Hainan Island, which is known for being China’s “Hawaii.” “The Hainan Island part of the trip was absolutely wonderful, like being on a family vacation before we’d even returned to the U.S.,” says Mike. Mike and Judy’s trip was also made even more special because of another adoptive family that they met on the flight to China that they became very close to.
Coming Home
Mike and Judy’s “Gotcha Day” was on February 26, 2007, and they returned to the U.S. on March 10 with their daughter, Kimberly Qing Ting, who they call “Tingting.” Now first-time parents, Mike and Judy are discovering the joys of parenting a four year old and seeing a brand new world through her eyes.
Mom and Dad, At Last
“It is exhausting and exhilarating to be a first-time parent to a four year old,” says Mike. “She is curious, joyful, and active. Every day, she discovers a new joy or miracle. Even things we take for granted are exciting to her.” Some of the things that have fascinated Tingting most include: playgrounds with slides, helium balloons, her family’s cats, Captain Crunch cereal (her favorite breakfast), blowing kisses, kites, dolls whose eyes open and shut, bubble baths, water fountains, and her music box player. According to Mike, the biggest blessing that he and Judy have received through adoption is the opportunity to raise their wonderful daughter, along with the ability to see the world through her eyes, which is almost as magical.
Adopting a “Special Needs” Child
Although Tingting was born with a congenital heart defect, it has been repaired. Today, Mike says, “Her biggest ‘special need’ is that, at four, she came to us with a fully developed personality, culture, and language abilities.” This has required adjustments for everyone. “We’re all learning how to be a family together,” says Mike, “and we’ve all had to be patient with each other as we try to learn each other’s habits and personalities.” Even in the difficult times, Mike and Judy continue to be impressed with their daughter’s ability to weather challenges. “We are often amazed and humbled that Tingting has more patience and understanding than us, the adults!” says Mike.
A Support Network
Mike and Judy count themselves blessed to have the help of others to carry them through some of the trials and tribulations of parenthood. “As new parents, we were concerned about our ability to effectively parent a four year old who was born before we even met,” says Mike, “but we’ve been fortunate to have a large support network to help us when we have questions.”
The Language Barrier
One of the biggest hurdles Mike and Judy worried about overcoming was the language barrier. “Tingting speaks a local dialect of Cantonese,” says Mike, “and even the guides in China were unable to communicate with her in her local dialect.” Yet, Tingting has managed to learn a few key English phrases very quickly, and Mike and Judy have also learned a few Chinese words from their daughter. “Tingting is constantly asking, ‘What’s this?’” says Mike, “and she’s picking up more and more language every day.” Throughout this time, Mike and Judy have learned firsthand what Doris Landry, attachment therapist, meant when she said that “Love is the universal language.”
Special Holidays
“Mike and Judy were an absolute joy to work with, and it is with great joy that they celebrate their first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day with Tingting,” says Lisa. Judy’s mother met Tingting for the first time on Mother’s Day weekend, and while Mike says that he doesn’t have any special plans yet for his first Father’s Day, it will be a memorable day for him. “Maybe Tingting and Mommy will plan a surprise for Daddy,” he says.
A Good Father
Even though Mike has only just begun his journey into parenthood, he already knows what makes a good father. He credits patience, the support of his wife—a full time mom to Tingting, and a good sense of humor as necessary assets to being a good father. He also says that having a proper perspective is often the key to successful parenting, and he often asks himself if it will matter in twenty years if Tingting gets her shirt dirty for the fourth time on a Sunday, etc. What will matter, though, is the time that he now sets aside from his busy work schedule to spend with her.
For Other Families
After adopting a special needs child, Mike and Judy want other adoptive parents to know “that ALL adoptees—even healthy infants—may have undiagnosed special needs or attachment issues.” Because of this, Mike says, “It really pays to do a thorough job of researching all of the issues associated with adoption—even the scary ones that you think can’t happen to you.” While Mike and Judy haven’t had any problems with Tingting, they are still grateful they did the research.
Mike and Judy also emphasize how important it is for new adoptive parents to develop a network of experienced adoptive parents through waiting families meetings and Internet groups. These experienced parents can then assist and support new adoptive parents in overcoming challenges unique to adoptive parenting. Additionally, Mike says that, “Even though it’s painful, it’s useful to find out a little of what life is like in an orphanage.” Knowing a child’s past makes it easier for adoptive parents to better understand their child. Mike and Judy learned more about life in a Chinese orphanage by visiting a blog run by a woman who spent a year living in one, and by reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting (from China),” a letter written by Amy Eldridge.
For Additional Information
For more information about adopting a child with special needs, please visit the China Adoption: Special “Waiting Children” page or visit the waiting children page for photos of children who are currently waiting.
