Domestic Adoption
A Unique Perspective
When Steve and Carol brought their youngest son, Samuel, home as a two week old baby, they knew that he was special and that he would touch their lives deeply. But what they didn’t know was just how much this little boy would change their lives forever.
A Diagnosis
As Samuel grew, Carol, a certified special education teacher, noticed that Samuel had some speech and developmental delays that caused her to be concerned. Doctors evaluated Samuel when he was twenty months old and determined that he has autism, cerebral palsy, and a seizure disorder. Steve and Carol sought special intervention immediately to help their son, and today, “Samuel has developed good language skills, memorizes easily, has a happy disposition, and enjoys cuddling,” says Steve. “He struggles most with sensory issues, along with social, communication, and peer interaction.”
A Special Birthday Party
So when it came time to celebrate Samuel’s fourth birthday in late December of 2006, Samuel’s unique challenges left Steve and Carol discussing who to invite to the party. They thought of many options, including a celebration with just immediate family, their family plus a couple of Samuel’s cousins, or Samuel’s friends from the typical preschool that he attends. But when they asked Samuel who he wanted to come, he named some of his friends from his autistic preschool class. Steve and Carol decided that although a party that included some of Samuel’s friends would be more challenging, it would also be very special.
The Big Day
Samuel brought invitations to his party to school, and three of his friends from his autistic preschool class said that they would come. On Samuel’s big day, his friends arrived, and the first activity was play time. Each child selected one of Samuel’s toys, and then the children proceeded to play by themselves. After this, the children played “Duck, Duck, Goose!” together, sang happy birthday to Samuel, and enjoyed some celebratory cupcakes. “It was amazing to us how well the kids behaved at the table and took care of their plates and cups without being asked!” says Steve. After opening gifts and bursting a candy-filled piñata equipped with pull strings, the party came to a close. “Everyone said that they had great fun and didn’t want to leave,” says Steve.
Looking Back
Steve wrote an article about this special celebration that was recently published in an autism newsletter that his family receives. He concludes this article by writing, “Looking back, a birthday party with four children with autism … looked like a major undertaking.” But, “What we saw was that the children with autism did not require any more guidance and assistance than typical kids would have, just different. We also realize that the party was for the children to have fun, and if that meant individual play instead of lots of group games or activities, so what?” The party meant the world to Samuel, who later “gave his mom a big hug and said ‘thanks for my party,’” says Steve.
Parenting a Child with Special Needs
Planning this special birthday party for Samuel is just one example of how Steve strives to be the best father he can be to his son amidst the challenges of parenting a child with special needs. Oftentimes, these challenges are many. Because early intervention is pivotal in determining the long-range success of children with autism, one obstacle is continually needing to find time to work with Samuel on different therapies at home, many of which Samuel is not fond of doing. This often means that more father/son time is spent on therapies than on fun recreational activities.
Another difficulty is the fact that Samuel requires much more hands-on parenting than his older brother, Noah. Yet, through the trying times, Steve and Carol remain strong because of their faith. “Ultimately,” says Steve, “it is through our faith and knowing that God will not give us more than we can bear that helps us persevere.”
Special Blessings
While Samuel faces certain challenges, he also has many gifts. “He [Samuel] is very academically bright and has a smile that can light up a room,” says Steve.
In addition, Samuel has a very unique perspective, and Steve counts himself blessed to be able to occasionally view the world through Samuel’s eyes. “On a recent trip,” says Steve, “Samuel saw two signs in the lawn of a business, and he said, ‘Oh, look, they are cuddling. One sign is leaning on the other.’ Another morning, we walked into the kitchen and he said, ‘There is a problem.’ I asked what the problem was, and he said, ‘The kitchen light is off and it is not shining for God.’ He proceeded to turn it on and exclaim, ‘Yeah, now the light is shining for God.’ You can’t help but to smile and thank God for Samuel’s innocent perspective.” Steve also enjoys hearing Samuel sing his favorite songs in church because Samuel “sings loudly, and with conviction.” Steve says, “It brings tears to my eyes and reminds me of how Jesus reminded us to have the heart of children because they love God completely and without question.”
A Brotherly Bond
Furthermore, Steve and Carol are infinitely grateful for the blessing of their two boys and for the special relationship that the brothers share. “We prayed that God would bring us the children that were right for us, and He answered that prayer,” says Steve. “A day doesn’t go by in which we don’t thank God for Noah and Samuel. The boys have each other and they are a perfect fit. Noah understands that Samuel’s brain works a little differently and he sweetly helps him and enjoys playing with him. Difficulty sleeping is a common problem for people with autism, and we have seen several times where they are both in one bed in the morning, and Noah explains that Samuel was having trouble sleeping, so he laid with him to help him try and get back to sleep.”
Love without Boundaries
The love that Steve has for his boys surpasses Samuel’s special needs and the color of the children’s skin. Steve says that sometimes, when his transracial family is out in public, strangers will ask them questions out of curiosity, but he is never offended. “We always welcome these questions,” he says. “An open conversation can bring helpful answers and knowledge.” Sometimes, others will ask him, “How can you love someone else’s children like your own?” Steve says, “My response is that they are my children, and I love them deeply. I never look at my sons and see them as anything other than my sons.”
The love that Steve and Carol have for their sons knows no boundaries. Sara Stahl, an AAI caseworker who once worked with Carol, has witnessed this firsthand. “From very early on,” says Sara, “I have seen Steve and Carol’s dedication and determination to know and understand each of their children for who God made them to be. They have always been confident that God had chosen their children for them. Steve and Carol completely embrace Noah and Samuel as their sons, regardless of the gifts or needs that they have.”
Setting an Example
As Samuel and Noah’s father, Steve believes that he must do more for his children than just give them parental advice. He must set an example for them by the way he lives. “In my opinion,” says Steve, “a good father doesn’t just tell his children what to do and how to behave, but lives it out and shows them by spending time with them.” Steve has tried to start a few family traditions with his boys, like making pancakes every Saturday morning, that allow them to spend precious time together. “As my sons grow,” says Steve, “I’m sure we’ll build more traditions based around common interests.”
Facing the Future
As Samuel grows, it is likely that he will continue to face certain limitations, but one thing is certain—he won’t face them alone, and he will have plenty of opportunities to spend time with his dad.
“He may not play organized sports or be able to go hunting with me, but we’ll enjoy time hiking in the woods or riding bikes,” says Steve. “He is allowing me to give up what I might desire and live to raise him as a well-rounded young man.” Steve was also encouraged by Samuel’s recent reevaluation that indicated that Samuel’s long-term prognosis may be to live independently and hold down a job. “Of course,” says Steve, “our hope for him is that he live a productive life with quality relationships also.”
For Other Families
Steve wants other families considering the adoption of a special needs child to know that, “Just like adopting any child, you need to be accepting of the child that God allows you to adopt.” Samuel’s special needs were undiagnosed when Steve and Carol adopted him, and they went through the same adoption process as families adopting a “normal” child. “Thankfully,” says Steve, “we were able to pray daily for God’s direction and to see His clear guiding.” Steve admits that “Special needs children do demand more time than a typical child,” but he also says that “the blessings far outweigh the difficulties.”
For More Information
To learn more about domestic adoption, please visit our domestic adoption page.
