Domestic Adoption
We’re Still Waiting...
Christmas is in the air! Light snow is beginning to fall ever so gently upon the grass that just tickled our bare toes last summer, Christmas lights are starting to illuminate houses, and Evergreens are being strapped to the top of vehicles to be brought home for the holidays. For many people, Christmas is their favorite time of year. But for families waiting to adopt domestically, every time they see a child waiting in line to talk to Santa at the mall, or a child playing outside dressed in mittens and a snowsuit, the yearning to have a child is driven even deeper into their hearts. Unfortunately, feelings like this can make the holidays the hardest time of the year.
Hard Times
The desire to have a child is often felt more acutely during the holidays. Expectant parents frequently wait until gatherings of family or friends around the holidays to announce an impending new arrival to their family. Although their announcement is a joyous one, it can be hard for waiting families to find happiness for the couple when they yearn so much to have a child themselves. Even being around the children of family and friends can be difficult.
Dirk and Julie waited about a year before they brought home their son, Gabe, and remember the hard times during their wait. “The most difficult part of the wait was feeling the need to keep friends and family updated,” says Julie. “It was also difficult when during the holidays both my sister and sister-in-law announced they were expecting. Though we were happy for them, we were struggling with our strong desire to have a baby.”
Part of what makes the wait so difficult, too, is the fact that the waiting often doesn’t begin for adoptive families when they start to consider adoption. “As caseworkers, we know that our families have likely been waiting to become parents or add to their family long before they began to pursue adoption,” says Adoptive Family Caseworker Sara Stahl. “The wait, for them, has not just begun when their profile was activated, but often years of infertility have preceded this.” This can make waiting even harder.
The Longer the Wait, the Sweeter the Gift
Joel and Joy have been waiting for a year now, and although they acknowledge that the wait is difficult, they continue to remain positive. “The most difficult part is not being in control and not knowing when, or if, a baby will come into our life,” says Joy. Yet Joel and Joy continually find comfort in their faith. “We trust God’s timing is perfect,” says Joy. “Throughout our lives we have discovered the longer the wait, the sweeter the gift. We know God has the perfect child for us and look forward to the day we get to meet him or her and raise that child in our home.”
Keeping A Positive Outlook
Throughout the adoption process, it is important to remain hopeful. For Dirk and Julie, waiting over the holidays actually gave them a more positive outlook. “The hope that naturally comes with the holidays spilled into our adoption process during that time,” says Julie. “We also had finally finished our profile and knew that we had done our part, and that it was now in God’s hands. We found comfort in that.”
For other couples waiting to adopt, Joel and Joy suggest that they “remember [that] flowers don’t grow on mountain tops. They grow in the valleys. So, trust God as you go through the ‘valley’ of waiting for a child and know He will deliver a beautiful ‘flower’ and it will be worth the wait.”
When the Wait Pays Off
Andrew and Marsha waited years trying to adopt internationally through a private attorney, and then waited approximately one more year after switching to AAI’s domestic program. They brought home their son, Owen, on January 10 of last year. “We talked a lot with family, friends, people at church, and our clients,” says Marsha about the time she spent waiting to adopt. “We prayed a lot! Finally, we got to a point there was not much more we could do. Now it was in God’s time. For me that was so hard… . There were times I cried, and times I was just mad! I have learned a lot. Things do not happen just because I want them to, or when I want them to.” For couples currently waiting to adopt, Marsha says, “God has the perfect baby for you and your spouse. He is making this baby just for you. So allow Him the time He needs.”
“Looking back, we would not have changed a thing about our waiting process,” says Julie. “We have an awesome family bond because of the timing of Gabe’s birth. Gabe’s birth mother was due on August 3rd, which is not only my grandmother’s birthday, but my birthday as well! He was born on the morning of August 5th, and his cousin was born later that afternoon.”
Blessings During the Wait
Although Dirk and Julie say that they weren’t really able to see all the blessings that happened during their wait because of the “emotional roller coaster” that they were on, the blessings “were very evident to us … when we saw our beautiful son,” says Julie.
For Marsha, the wait proved to be a surprise blessing as well. “I ended up having a retinal detachment,” says Marsha. “I needed two surgeries. I could not lift over 5 pounds for about three months. It was hard enough with a 9 year old. It would have been impossible with a baby.”
Making Your Wait A Blessing
Although the wait may not seem like much of a blessing, it is important to keep living your life during this time by taking advantage of opportunities and resources that are available to you. Two of the most important things that you can do right now are spread the word about your desire to adopt by networking, and attend waiting families meetings to both prepare you for your adoption and to support you emotionally.
Networking
The holiday season can provide some of the best opportunities to network. Many families will add their desire to adopt into a Christmas card or Christmas letter and ask their family and friends to keep them in mind if they hear of a pregnant woman considering adoption. (Mentioning that you’re still waiting can head off unwanted questions about the state of your adoption process as well.) Some families get even more creative and create business cards with a toll-free number for potential birth moms to use. The families then place these cards inside the Christmas cards or Christmas letters so that once the holiday season is over and the Christmas mail is thrown away, the business cards remain for family and friends to pass out.
For more information on networking, please visit our Adoption Networking web page.
Waiting Families Meetings
“Waiting Families is a group that is made up of domestic families that have been approved to adopt,” says Sara. “They are in the waiting phase of their adoption. This group is designed to support and encourage families throughout their wait by offering advice on issues pertinent to the adoption process … , networking with other families in their shoes, and a chance to touch base and connect with the agency. We strive to have birth parents or adoptive parents share their story at each meeting because we know waiting families greatly benefit from hearing real stories from those that have been in their shoes.”
Dirk and Julie went to many waiting family meetings. Attending the meetings “helped us feel that we were doing something, that we were being proactive in the process. They gave us hope and helped us to not feel alone,” says Julie. “Also, they were informative. We learned many new things, and were reinforced when hearing subjects that we had some knowledge of. The stories from birth mothers and adoptive families gave us reassurance and hope.”
Seeing the Possibilities
If you are still looking for practical things that you can do during your wait, read through the list below for ideas that have been compiled by waiting families and caseworkers:
Talk to whoever will listen about your desire to adopt. It’s amazing how many people know someone, who knows someone, who is considering adoption.
Look at the wait as preparation time, and enjoy your time together as a couple.
Spring clean.
Complete remodels to your house that you’ve been considering.
Research baby equipment, diapers, and formula. You don’t need to buy it, but it’s best to know what you’re going to need before a phone call catches you off guard.
Read up on adoption parenting. Talk to your caseworker for book recommendations.
Subscribe to Adoptive Families magazine.
Interview pediatricians.
Research daycare options.
Pray for your child, his or her birth parents, for patience, and for peace.
Pamper yourselves with a spiritual retreat, a vacation, or another last pre-baby hurrah.
Celebrate New Year’s elaborately.
Baby-sit for everyone you know to stock up on baby-sitting time.
Use this time to discuss whether you’re open to children affected by substance abuse, drugs, or health problems. If you are, research pediatricians who have experience in these areas.
Consider that God is prompting you to consider international adoption. There is often an urgent need for families for infants abroad.
Talk to your caseworker about joining an adoptive mom or dad group that you can e-mail for support.
Educate your family and friends about adoption. Consider buying them Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston for Christmas.
Be an advocate for adoption by creating church displays or donating adoption-themed books to your local library.
Exercise! You will need to be prepared to carry around a baby.
Learn infant CPR and first aid.
Volunteer. Your troubles won’t seem as bad when helping others in need.
See if your employer offers adoption benefits (such as a paid parental leave). If your employer does not, now is a good time to try and campaign for change. (Contact the Dave Thomas Foundation for more information about adoption-friendly work environments.)
If adopting a child of a different race, learn about your child’s culture by reading about his or her heritage. Consider learning how to cook ethnic recipes.
Look into diverse schools if you’re adopting transracially.
Enjoy the holidays! The season will come when you can’t believe you ever had a moment to yourself.
For more information on domestic adoption, please visit our domestic adoption web page.
