Domestic Adoption
What is a "Typical" Birth Mom?
“Isn’t an unplanned pregnancy supposed to happen to teenagers?” thought Connie. “How could it happen to me?”
At forty-two, Connie was divorced, the mother of four children, and living paycheck to paycheck with her daughter in a small two bedroom apartment. She had no insurance and a low paying job. Then she discovered she was pregnant.
Confirmation
“I took an at-home pregnancy test,” says Connie. “It came out positive.” I thought, “No! It had to be wrong!” The next day, Connie went to a clinic and they confirmed that she was pregnant. “I broke down and cried for hours,” says Connie. “The clinic would not let me leave until I calmed down.”
Building a Future
After the initial shock, Connie began to think about the future of her child. “I don’t believe in abortion,” says Connie. Yet, she knew in her heart that she could not parent the child she was carrying. “The child…wouldn’t have a good chance at life,” says Connie. “I couldn’t give a child the ability to live life to the fullest.” So Connie reached for the Yellow Pages and looked up adoption agencies. “I just happened to call AAI,” she says. They were “the first and only place I called.”
The Process Begins
“I was so nervous,” says Connie about her first meeting at AAI, but “The agency made me feel comfortable. I was not pressured at all.” Connie had a “good relationship” with her caseworker, who called her often to see how she was doing and how she was feeling. “She answered all my questions with respect and understanding,” says Connie.
Choosing A Family
Connie was able to choose the adoptive family for her child, but the decision was a difficult one. “I never in my life knew how many couples and families were waiting for a baby,” says Connie. “It was so hard to look at all those profiles and pick only one!” Connie found exactly what she was looking for, though, when she came across Matthew and Lisa’s profile. She had wanted to find a family close to her age, and she liked the idea that Matthew and Lisa said they didn’t argue. They always talked things through. They even said that they would read to the baby every night.
A Christmas Angel
On Christmas Eve, Connie gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl and Matthew and Lisa were at her side through the labor and birth. “I made sure my nurses knew that standing by my bedside were the couple that were adopting ‘their little angel,’” says Connie. “Matthew even cut the cord. I tell you, we all cried [and] it was just beautiful!”
Continued Communication
Matthew and Lisa have maintained communication with Connie, and she continues to receive pictures, letters, and phone calls from them. “The pictures are very important to me,” says Connie. “It is so nice to open the mailbox and there’s that envelope! I love getting pictures!”
Life Today
“I am now married to the man who stood by my side while being pregnant with another man’s child,” says Connie. Connie also has no regrets about her adoption plan. “I know I did the right thing,” she says, “but I am also older and already have children and know the responsibilities of raising a child. I know in my own heart that this child deserved to have a loving family.”
Advice
When asked about why it was important to share her story with others, Connie replied that if more women facing unplanned pregnancies knew of the number of families who were waiting for a newborn, they would give more thought to what their options are. Connie also knows that an unplanned pregnancy “can happen to anyone, regardless of age,” which is important for prospective adoptive families to remember if they plan to network for a birth mother this holiday season.
For Prospective Adoptive Families
Networking can be one of the best methods for an adoptive couple to be linked with a birth mother more quickly. It can also be one of the most successful ways to plan adoption if they work through an agency once they find a birth mother. The counsel and support that adoptive families and birth mothers receive through an agency make it more likely that birth mothers will follow through with their adoption plans and leave adoptive families better prepared to parent the child. However, “Many people are initially reluctant to network on their own behalf because they somehow consider it to be too self-serving or unsavory,” says Domestic Casework Manager Laurie Larson. “But in reality, many people’s friends and acquaintances are eager for an opportunity to be of help because they know that this couple would make wonderful parents. Networking has often led people to a child that when reflecting back on their experience, brings a sense of being destined for one another.”
If you are currently networking, or if you are considering networking for a birth mom this holiday season, it is important to remember that although the “average” birth mom is twenty-three and already has two children, birth moms are all different ages and have a multitude of different backgrounds. By no means is there a “typical” birth mom.
With the holiday season approaching, it is very likely that you will have ample opportunity to network. Whether it be writing a sentence or two about your desire to adopt in an annual Christmas card or Christmas letter, or simply bringing up your hope to expand your family when chatting with friends or relatives over egg nog and spiced cider, remember that your future birth mom could be any woman of childbearing age. Don’t limit your options by thinking of birth mothers as high school cheerleaders and birth fathers as members of the high school football team. Keep your eyes, and options, open.
More Information
For more information on adoption networking, call 1.800.677.2367 or visit our adoption networking web page.
