Domestic Adoption
An eye-opening journey
The term “birth father” is a relatively new one for me. I had pretty much taken for granted that a father was a father. However, when my girlfriend and I learned that we were pregnant, I began a journey that would open my eyes to a great many new things.
Upon learning of the pregnancy, my girlfriend and I both felt that our relationship was not ready to survive keeping and raising a child in the environment we would have liked to provide. Thus we began the delicate process of deciding exactly what we should do.
Deciding to release for adoption
What it all boiled down to was that she didn’t feel she could raise this child (even with my help), but that she didn’t feel comfortable with the option of abortion either. As those two options gradually began to fade out, a third option—that of releasing for adoption—became clearer as the best option. As my girlfriend is fond of saying, “I am pro-choice, and I chose.” We decided to call Adoption Associates, Inc.
Having never planned adoption before, we had no idea how that loss would feel, but it was important to us to prepare for it as much as we could. This planning was largely reflected in our criteria for choosing the family that would adopt our child.
We didn’t know how we would feel after the baby had gone to his or her new home. It was important to us that the family not live nearby because we didn’t want to run into them, for example, while grocery shopping. We felt that by placing some distance between us it would prevent an accidental meeting, and therefore, prevent what might be a lot of pain. At the same time, however, it was extremely important that the adoptive parents be as involved during the pregnancy as possible. We felt that the more we knew about the people who would be our child’s parents, the less mystery we would feel concerning “I wonder how the baby’s doing?” later. We also wanted to turn this experience into one which was as giving and joyful as we could make it for somebody else.
Meeting the adoptive family
When we met the adoptive family we were very nervous and worried. What if they didn’t like us? or What if we didn’t like them? We met at a restaurant for dinner and it was a little shocking at times because the conversation was very blunt about the adoption process. We were all speaking quite openly about some deeply emotional concerns with people whom we had just met, yet they were things that needed to be brought out in the open. We found that the frank, open, and honest nature of the evening left us with a greater feeling of respect for one another. By the end of the evening, we were already beginning to feel comfortable around each other and we were laughing together at each other’s stories. For the rest of the pregnancy, we kept in very close contact. They came to Lamaze classes with us, doctor’s appointments, and more dinners. Several times we have been asked—and wondered ourselves—why we chose the couple we did, and the only answer we’ve been able to come up with was that it just felt right.
One highlight of our experience was during an ultrasound for which the adoptive parents were present. We each took turns going into the room with my girlfriend so we could see the baby on the monitor. It was a very rewarding experience watching the faces of the couple as they were able to see their baby for the first time. “Wow. This is real!,” the adoptive father kept repeating.
Delivering the news
But the most poignant part of the whole nine month journey for me was when I had the honor of going to the waiting room and delivering the news to the adoptive parents that their little boy now had a “baby girl” to call his very own sister. The baby was healthy and happy, and as my girlfriend recovered and we both caught up on sleep, the adoptive parents were given their own room so that they could spend all the time they wanted with their new daughter. The staff at the hospital was outstanding and very helpful in making sure everybody’s needs were taken care of.
We were able to see and hold the baby whenever we wanted and did so upon two or three occasions. Since we had spent almost the entire pregnancy “doing this” for the adoptive parents, I felt more like a surrogate birth father, and felt more as if I were holding someone else’s child than my own. We’d done a good job—my girlfriend and I—and now it was time to begin the healing process.
Saying goodbye
It was a tearful moment when it came time to say goodbye to the new parents and the little girl we’d helped to create. We’d become good friends and we would miss each other very much. Yet the time we’d taken to get to know them helped us to feel secure in the knowledge that we’d done the right thing not only for the baby we’d brought into the world, but for ourselves as well.
As I write this three months later, I am happy to report that we are doing well. We visit a local support group when we are able, and sometimes talk about how a family somewhere is happier now because of us, and the new addition we helped to add to their home.
Planning Adoption
If you would like more information on how to make an adoption plan for your baby, visit www.PlanAdoption.com or call 1.800.677.2367.
