International Adoption
Avery, by Michelle Dykema
Several years ago my dad told me, “be careful what you pray for, because God may just answer, and maybe not in the way you’d expect.” In looking back over the past year of my life, I see that God HAS answered and even more, has known the desires of my heart.
My Brothers
I was the first of four girls born to my parents. They always joked about wanting sons, and in my early teen years they adopted my two brothers from South Korea. So just as I was beginning to make decisions about my future, my life was impacted, and more so, forever changed by adoption. When Alan and Jon came home I instantly felt for my new brothers how I thought it must feel to be a mother. Still now, 19 years later, I feel like a second mom to them, both of who are now young men. As a result of the impact adoption had on my life thus far, I focused throughout my college years on someday having a career in the field of adoption. I also assumed that I’d someday adopt a child.
College and Marriage
I got married during college, and by the time I graduated I was pregnant with our first child. Two years later we had another child, and our “perfect” family was complete, or so my husband thought. I, on the other hand, felt that maybe, if another child were to come to us, he or she would come to us not by birth but by adoption.
We went on with life but the timing just never seemed to be right for adoption. I went to graduate school and again felt drawn to the field of adoption. I geared many of my projects and papers toward issues related to adoption and one of the more meaningful assignments included an interview with my 89 year-old grandfather. He and my late grandmother had adopted my own mother as a baby. As he watched her grow up, he had never ceased to be amazed that she loved him, just like he imagined she would if she had been born to them.
Time to Adopt?
When my youngest child entered first grade, I struggled with the conflicted feelings it brought. My kids were becoming more and more independent, which felt good, but it also seemed like they didn’t need me as much, and this made me sad. So naturally my solution was to try and convince my husband that we needed to adopt. He was still resistant, which I didn’t understand, but then a friend said to me, in passing, “It’s hard to feel like you’re not needed, but that’s not a reason to have more kids.” Wow! That’s what I had been basing my appeal for adoption on, my need to be needed. So I stopped talking about it, knowing that for me, this was not right.
Getting Comfortable
Months went by, and I still thought about adoption, but by then I was also working for AAI so it was hard NOT to think about it. However, each time that I wondered about my family’s future, I felt like God was telling me to be silent. Our kids were able to play outdoors with friends without being watched every moment. They were easy to take on vacations, they could dress and feed themselves, they could make decisions for themselves. Life was getting comfortable, and I began thinking that maybe God didn’t plan for us to adopt after all.
Finally…
Then one evening things changed. My husband, as he periodically does, said, “We should talk about our budget again.” I asked him why he had said this at this particular time, and he added rather casually, “I just think we should talk about adoption.” What?!?! All I could respond with was “Thank you.” He felt we had been quite blessed, he knew there were children who didn’t have families, we had room in the house, and he wasn’t getting any younger…basically all of the things I had told him before, but now he also believed them.
Avery
So we started to prepare for adoption. We talked to our children and we prayed about the child that God would bring to us. Over time we decided to adopt from China, and we prayed for God to show us the child He meant for our family. Early last year we became aware of a little girl who was available for adoption, but she had been spoken for by another family. When I went to China for a work trip, I came home feeling more certain than ever that God would show us the right child for our family. On my way to work one morning, I watched the sunrise and it made me think about the waiting children in China, one of which would soon be our daughter. I also thought about the particular girl who had already been spoken for, and at that moment I prayed that I would feel toward another child how I had been feeling for her. I walked into the office, sat down at my desk, and Mary, the China program manager, walked into my office. She said in a very serious voice, “Michelle, I have something to tell you.” She proceeded to tell me that the family that had spoken for that particular girl had decided that they could not adopt her. She was once again available for adoption! I laughed out loud, then I cried, and then I called my husband.
Process
The whole process was an amazing experience for me personally because I felt like I was finally truly experiencing all of the feelings and emotions that I knew my clients were feeling in their adoptions: the home study process is intimidating! The dossier is hard to assemble! It’s frustrating to wait for immigration approval! And it’s nearly impossible to wait to travel!
Meeting Avery
When my husband and I traveled to China, I became more and more nervous as the time approached to meet Avery. I was nervous, but I was also grieving for the pain I knew our daughter would soon be experiencing. It was difficult to witness Avery being separated from her foster mother. She cried by the door for hours after her foster mother left, refusing to be comforted by us. The next morning she woke up and immediately picked up her shoes and went back to the door, as if it were only a matter of time before her foster mother would come back for her. We can only imagine the confusion and sadness she felt during this time. However, over the next few days, Avery gradually became more and more comfortable with us, and she eventually smiled, laughed, and played with us.
Changes
Since we’ve been home we’ve witnessed so many changes in Avery’s young life and in our own. She’s got a big sister and big brother now, and sibling rivalry is alive and well! She is now accustomed to the chaos of family gatherings filled with grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles, and lots of cousins. She’s also a true girl—drama and emotions included! And we’ve learned to live in a somewhat childproofed house that is constantly filled with the inevitable clutter that accompanies a two-year-old.
But we’ve also experienced the pure serenity of cuddling with a sleepy child in those first moments right after waking up in the morning. We’ve gotten to witness her pride and joy at putting her shirt on after insisting, “Do it myself,” followed by the happy exclamation, “I did it!” And we now often hear the words every parent cherishes, “I love you Mommy,” or, “I love you Daddy,” followed by the kind of hug which says more than words.
Answered Prayers
Overall, I don’t think that our experience with the adoption process has been different than most families adopting from China. Now that Avery has been home for five months, I look back on the whole experience and more than anything, see how God worked. Avery is a true blessing and I consider myself fortunate beyond words to be her mother, the third ‘mom’ she’s known, but the lucky one who gets to raise her. In so many ways she was clearly meant to be in our family. I hear this from many other adoptive families too. Beyond our personal joy in adoption, I am grateful to have had the experience as it relates to my work. I constantly see families who struggle with the loss of control in adoption, but yet there are so many places along the way to see God’s control instead. I am so fortunate to not only work in the field of adoption but to also have personally experienced the creation of my own family by adoption, now in the third generation. I am thankful that Avery was adopted, that she has uncles who were adopted, and that she even has a grandma who was adopted. My wish for any family now considering adoption is from Psalm 20: “May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” As my dad reminded me, be careful what you pray for, because God may just answer, maybe not in the way you had wanted Him to, or in the timing you had hoped for, but certainly in the very best way.
More information
For more information on adopting from China, visit our China adoption page or call 1.800.677.2367.
