Matthew and Lisa
After two years of infertility, Matthew and I were at a crossroads in our lives. What was most important to us—having a biological child or becoming a family through adoption? The decision was easy for us, and after recommendations from a friend with two successful adoptions, we contacted Adoption Associates. Within a six month time period, we had our initial paperwork, profile, and home study all completed. Our profile had been shown for five months when we were chosen by a birth mother for a placement.
While Connie wasn’t your “typical” birth mother at age 42, she proved to be wonderful. Although she constantly assured us that she was not going to change her mind and that this baby was ours, we remained nervous since we knew the ultimate decision was not ours to make. Both of us began accompanying her on all of her doctor appointments and soon found out that the baby was a girl. Shortly afterwards, we asked Connie if she had thought about any names for the baby. We had decided that if we liked any part of the name she had chosen, we would try and incorporate that into our baby’s final name. Her response was: “I have already named four children; this one is yours to name.” Wow!
Shortly afterwards we learned that Connie wanted us to experience everything and had requested that we both be present in the delivery room. What an honor to be there and see the birth of our child. Many tears and smiles from everyone were shared as our Hannah was born on December 24, 2002. I remember the hospital setting up a makeshift bed for me in the room as Hannah, Connie, and I all got to know one another a little better while Matthew took solace in a local hotel. Our social worker, Laurie Larson, was very helpful and even came to see us in the hospital that night!
Connie was extremely resolute in her adoption decision and knew she was doing what was best for Hannah. We still maintain open contact with Connie sending pictures, cards, and e-mails. We talk regularly on the phone and see her a few times a year. The best way to describe our relationship is that she treats Hannah like a grandchild. She sends cards to Hannah, brings her gifts, holds and cuddles her, and takes lots of pictures. But whenever Hannah starts acting up or had previously needed a diaper change, she hands her back and says, “Here is your baby” with a smile on her face.
About two years later, we decided to pursue the adoption of a second child. After waiting for about a year we were chosen by a young birth mother and birth father. She was about seven months along in her pregnancy at the time and had not shared this information with her family, let alone told them they had made an adoption plan. When the couple did share the news, they did not receive the support they were hoping for. The day after the baby was born the birth parents changed their minds and decided to parent the child. It was heartbreaking for Matthew and for me, but we were at least glad the baby was healthy and very much loved. Even though the social workers at Adoption Associates were careful to point out the “red flags” and prepare us for possible disappointment, you can never be truly prepared. But opening our eyes to these red flags helped prepare us for a situation that was very different than what we had experienced with Connie. I know this may sound strange, but we somehow knew the risk was becoming more visible as each day passed, and although disappointed, we were not shocked with the outcome. The staff was very sympathetic with cards, notes, and e-mails, and also provided us adoption articles concerning moving forward after a failed adoption.
After that disappointment, we had decided to not pursue the adoption of a second child. However, we had not gotten around to contacting the agency to tell them of this decision and to ask them to remove us from the active waiting families list. This proved to be a good thing as we were contacted by a relative of our first birth mother, Connie. We were informed of a baby boy who was about seven months old and his birth mother was making an adoption plan for him. The birth mother was twenty-two years old at the time, single, and unable to support herself and the baby. She knew that we were good parents and kind people as Connie would often share updates with her about Hannah.
She asked if we would adopt her baby, and we said we would be delighted! We kept his original name, Dylan, and brought him home when he was seven months old. The first month or so was challenging due to an adjustment period, ear infections, and teething, but we all settled in as a happy family over the next several months. We have an open adoption with Dylan’s birth mother as well. We talk regularly, send pictures and updates, and we have met at a restaurant with a play structure a few times for in-person visits.
This relationship is still evolving and developing. There are more extended birth family members involved now since Dylan was with them for his first seven months. This was a little tricky in the beginning, but has now become quite comfortable and wonderful. We are so thankful to have an open relationship with both birth mothers. We want our children to be able to know their birth mothers, for if they have questions that we cannot answer, they can always have the option to contact or meet with them directly.
How these relationships evolve over the upcoming years is not known. However, this is the choice Matthew and I have made for our own situation. Every birth mother is different, and an open adoption may not be appropriate in all circumstances. We also know that making an adoption plan is not easy; rather, it is a very unselfish act of love with a focus on doing what is best for the child.
A note about Adoption Associates: What a wonderful adoption agency! We would whole-heartedly recommend using this agency as they were very knowledgeable and professional throughout our adoption journeys. We were most impressed with their ability to educate and prepare us as an adoptive family and care for the birth mothers. The support received was phenomenal and Matthew and I could not be happier. We wish every waiting family a placement of a child … the wait is DEFINITELY worth it!
